


"A Most Worthy Punishment" or "The Inevitable Occurrence of Something"

by MistyBeethoven



Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [50]
Category: Much Ado About Nothing (1993), Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare
Genre: Attraction, BBW, Balcony Sex, Barn Sex, Broken Engagement, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Donkeys, Escape, F/M, Falling In Love, Forgiveness, Freedom, Fugitives, Handcuffed Together, Handcuffs, Illegitimacy, Kissing between prison bars, Love, Love Confessions, Love Stories, Love/Hate, Marriage Proposal, Not Actually Unrequited Love, On the Run, Overweight, Prison, Redemption, References to Shakespeare, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Sex, Shakespearean Language, Sneaky Bastards, Unofficial Sequel, Unrequited Love, Weddings, barns, play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: While awaiting Benedick's chosen punishment for his deception of Claudio, regarding Hero's virtue, Don John devises a way to manipulate me into aiding his escape from the prison tower where he is being held with his followers, Conrade and Borachio. However, when Conrade seeks revenge over his master's rejection, Don John soon finds himself shackled to me, making his escape difficult with a weighty girl, whom is hopelessly in love with him, in tow.When Don John soon finds his melancholy nature warming to me, though, he might find his punishment all on his own without any help from Don Pedro, Claudio, Benedick or anyone else in Messina!Meanwhile, Benedick and Beatrice long for a return to the fiery sparring relationship of their past.
Relationships: Beatrice/Benedick (Much Ado About Nothing), Claudio/Hero (Much Ado About Nothing), Don John & Benedick (Much Ado About Nothing), Don John & Borachio (Much Ado About Nothing), Don John & Claudio (Much Ado About Nothing), Don John & Conrade (Much Ado About Nothing), Don John & Don Pedro (Much Ado About Nothing), Don John (Much Ado About Nothing)/Me
Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [50]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589944
Kudos: 7





	1. ACT ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Yay! The Don John entry. Gotta say I love that rascal of a depressed and mischief loving villain! And I thought Keanu was great in it. He worked a stank face like nobody's business. 
> 
> This will be a bit like the film "A New Leaf" meets "The Defiant Ones."
> 
> This is an ambitious entry, also, for this series...
> 
> Writing like the Bard?
> 
> Can I pull it off?
> 
> Nah.
> 
> Don't be silly.
> 
> Will I have fun falling flat on my face trying?
> 
> You bet your feathered quill, I will!
> 
> Now, hark! Is that the sound of the Bard rolling over in his grave? Whomever he was and wherever it is?
> 
> Or maybe tis the sound of curtains being opened...

**_"A Most Worthy Punishment"_ **

or

**_"The Inevitable Occurrence of Something"_ **

**DRAMATIS PERSONAE**

DON JOHN, the bastard brother of Prince Don Pedro

ERIN, the young peasant woman betrothed to Fernando

FERNANDO, the middle aged former servant of Leonato

DON PEDRO, Prince of Arragon, brother of Don John

LEONATO, Governor of Messina

CLAUDIO, husband of Hero

HERO, wife of Claudio, daughter of Leonato

BENEDICK, husband of Beatrice, friend of Don Pedro & Claudio

BEATRICE, wife of Benedick, neice to Leonato, cousin to Hero

BORACHIO, follower of Don John

CONRADE, follower of Don John

MARGARET, Hero's waiting-gentlewoman

FRIAR FRANCIS

GUARD 1, Guard for the prison tower where Don John & his followers are being kept

GUARD 2, Guard for the prison tower where Don John & his followers are being kept

FARMER, operator of farm on border of Messina

FARMER'S WIFE, married to Farmer

Judge

Ass

~

SCENE. Messina

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1

**Before Prison Gates and Tower**

_Enter GUARD 1 and GUARD 2_

**GUARD 1**  
Tis a sad state of things when one hears revelling but cannot so much as taste a single bite of it.

 **GUARD 2**  
What is the riotous celebration for, by the way?

 **GUARD 1**  
Hast thou been somewhere else whilst thou has been by my side? Is it possible that thou mind be so light that it escapest the body which is too heavy for it by comparison, and has been roaming hills and valleys whilst I have remained here?

 **GUARD 2**  
If it fleest, it is surely not due to its own lightness but the company it is forced to keep.

 **GUARD 1**  
Well then I can hardly blame it. The revelling is for the double union of Claudio to Hero, the Governor's daughter, and Benedick to Beatrice, his niece.

 **GUARD 2**  
(coughs in disdain) But that was two nights ago.

 **GUARD 1**  
Merrymaking sets no time for its departure as sorrow places no time for its arrival. If the mood is right, celebration lasts from the first peal of laughter but bids goodbye, with haste, upon the first wail of tears. I only wish that we could findest our way, but for a bit, betwixt the two and steal some joy for ourselves.

 **GUARD 2**  
(glances back at prison) If only we were not set to guard three prisoners upon Benedick's orders. Tell me again what serves the purpose.

 **GUARD 1**  
Thy brain is threatening to become so light as to drift away again, my friend.

 **GUARD 2**  
Well it is thine job to fill it with the requested information and keep it weighted, good sir.

 **GUARD 1**  
(sighs) The three villians contained in the tower devised a plan to tarnish the reputation of Hero's renowned virtue. Borachio seduced the gentlewoman of Claudio's intended, numerous times from what I hear. Only on the night before the marriage, Borachio, to lift his master, Don John's, spirits, played false that Margaret was Hero herself. Claudio renounced his beloved and shamed her wrongly on what was intended to be their wedding day. Luckily, the spirit of fortune doth shine on two fair lovers and the deception was soon discovered. But not before much ado had been made over nothing.

 **GUARD 2**  
Forgive me, my brain, which thou whilst claim is destined for the clouds and to become acquainted with Zeus himself, but what benefitest Don John by this bit of michief?

 **GUARD 1**  
Thou would not be the first to pose such a question nor to return with his hands full of air and his mind properly frustrated. Don John, if thou recallest, is the Prince's bastard brother. One can find him often sullen and looking every bit the satyr whom will not dance for Pan's flute. He is of few words and thus of few answers.

 **GUARD 2**  
(looking back at the tower once more) And whom is the third villian?

 **GUARD 1**  
Conrade. He is yet another follower of Don John. It appears that for the bastard to create enough chaos to please him he makes a number for himself of three. If he is the body and head he requires, at least, two more men to become his long reaching arms. If God should make for Himself a son and a ghost to become his limbs, Don John and his vile treachery makes himself a black stained image of the trinity as well.

 **GUARD 2**  
What punishment befits the crime of tainting a woman's honor and spoiling a noble marriage?

 **GUARD 1**  
(shrugs) That is what they intend to decide when the first wail of tears is heard to disrupt the celebration.

_Far off the sound of laughter is heard but no sound of crying. Both men turn to it longingly._

**GUARD 2**  
And what becomes of this Margaret, her virtue long since lost?

 **GUARD 1**  
I believe that we hear her laughter now mixed with the others. But who knows...tomorrow she may find herself in a convent surrounded by none but the fairer sex.

 **GUARD 2**  
Shall we pay our respects to her before her leaving and leave her with a fresh memory of the unfair sex?

 **GUARD 1**  
Both in turn and then once more.

_Exeunt_

SCENE 2

**Inside Prison Tower.**

_DON JOHN, CONRADE and BORACHIO_

**CONRADE**  
Tis a sin to keep us here with you, our lord.

 **DON JOHN**  
Why? That my company should remain lonely as I wait for my punishment? But then I am oft lonely with someone as naught.

 **BORACHIO**  
(whispering to CONRADE) Thou seekest to win the master's affection with flattering always. Thou wouldst find more success in prying him outwardly, and without veil, in the way of more directly aiding him in his villiany.

 **CONRADE**  
And sully myself like you have with whores and drunkards? We are both locked inside the same tower; our fates are but the same.

 **BORACHIO**  
Ahhhh...but I have accepted the taint that nearness to my master has left me with. You expect to remain clean but fail to see: To be around that which reeks and breeds mischief and pain and anger, like Don John, one cans't help but become a villian through association. With every breath he exhales it comes to rest on those whom remain closest to him.

 **DON JOHN**  
Tis truth

 **CONRADE**  
Was thou listening lord?

 **DON JOHN**  
This tower is not so large that words cannot help but throw themselves upon each corner and single wall and every ear in between. Borachio speaks well; My mischief creeps in likewise to all those whom surround me but I leave it the choice of the man if they become my accomplice or target.

 **BORACHIO**  
And what of the women? What becomes of them?

 **DON JOHN**  
They find my melacholy infectious. Vainly they attempt to save me from it and hopelessly they find themselves succumbing to the same disease. I make a poor patient for them and they flee to protect themselves from what they believed, in their foolishness, they could help heal me of.

 **BORACHIO**  
Do you know the source of this disease.

_DON JOHN remains silent but walks towards the tower's solitary window._

**BORACHIO**  
He, himself, knows not its source, or longs to keep it to himself as always.

_CONRADE walks to the window followed closely by BORACHIO_

**CONRADE**  
Pray tell me that thou holdest me in closer affection than anyone else, sire?

 **DON JOHN**  
Affection you covet as surely as Borachio desires wealth. He fares far better, Conrade.

 **BORACHIO**  
Look here! As if to speak of the devil shall only conjure his presence, here comes the portly daughter of one of Don Pedro's servants. Did she not used to follow you around, Don John, like an overly round pigeon, whom could not fly, hoping for a crumb of your affection? Tell me, did she come to her senses one day and leave you for a more willing suitor?

 **DON JOHN**  
Alas no. I found her uncommonly and infuriatingly tolerant of my melancholia and quiet nature. I was the one to run in terror from her, you see.

 **BORACHIO**  
And her size prevented pursuit?

 **DON JOHN**  
No. Her size is a deceit which hides a surprising grace. I would find it interesting if not for her overly fawning nature. But now I find that the same nature I abhor might aid in my escape.

 **CONRADE**  
We are to escape together?

 **DON JOHN**  
I will use the girl for such. If thou both wishest to find thou freedom in the sliver of an open doorway it mightest cause, I shall not hinder you. But we shall not be together then or ever after. I desire more able companions whom will not lead me back into a cage.

SCENE 3

**Outside of Prison Tower**

_DON JOHN's face peers put of the window and watches in secret_

_Enter FERNANDO, ERIN and an ass._

**ERIN**  
(pulling on the ass' rein) Tis God's most stubborn creature!

 **FERNANDO**  
Hold they tongue! Being a women thine words come out as a laughable subject.

 **ERIN**  
We should have been celebrating with Claudio and Hero, except for the unwillingness of this cursed creature.

 **FERNANDO**  
We shall reach there yet; the ceremonies have not yet reached their conclusion. And besides, rejoice! We shall find ourselves lost amidst our own wedding celebration soon enough.

 **ERIN**  
(to the ass) Shall hardly be considered a celebration when it heralds the morning where I shall wake up to be forever his wife until God delivers upon me some mercy by making me his widow or he my widower.

 **FERNANDO**  
Move thy ass woman! I am growing tired of suffering your girth and resulting sloth.

 **ERIN**  
That sin be'est only linked with me by the fact that I am forced not only to carriest my own weight but that of this insufferable beast as well! And in a short time, yours as well when we unfathomably become one. If thou art in a hurry to greet your former lord, Leonato, and wish him well, go! I will meet you or diest of battling with this creature before.

 **FERNANDO**  
If thou insist.

_Exit FERNANDO_

_ERIN gives the DONKEY's reins one more vain pull and falls down. DON JOHN places a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter_

**ERIN**  
Damn beasts! One before me and a life to be spent with the one behind! Not that there remains much life before him.

_ERIN sits and faces her enemy, the ass, now turning it into her confidant_

**ERIN (cont.)**  
It is not his greater age that bothers me. It is the fact that in the years I see before us, I cannot picture growing to love him any more than I already do but quite the opposite instead. Days heaped upon days, promise only to deepen a dislike I already feel growing within my heart; until I can only picture it growing into and strong unbreakable hatred. Then where shall we be? Him in the ground and me having most likely placed him there! Tis not a wise idea that he marries me only because he believes my weight secures my culinary skills. He doth foolishly seek to placeth me about sharp instruments and with the opportunity to poison his food as well!

 **DON JOHN**  
Why are you uniting yourself with him then?

 **ERIN**  
(looks towards window and sees her watcher) Don John! What doest thou in the prison tower?

 **DON JOHN**  
Questions must be answered in proper order. Mine thus comes first.

 **ERIN**  
If you must know, I marry him because you are no where to be found.

 **DON JOHN**  
On the contrary, I am here.

 **ERIN**  
But _why_ art thou there?

 **DON JOHN**  
Accident and folly. Claudio and my brother were afraid I would cause the celebrations to become too sullen. As a lark, they lured me here to keep me away from the festivities so I would not dampen them.

 **ERIN**  
You think me easily deceived by the handsome face of a man I once knew and was fond of! That fondness is marred by the memory of your back and the absence of so much as a cold farewell.

 **DON JOHN**  
Fondness? And here I mistook it for love. Look! Do you see any guards?

 **ERIN**  
No.

 **DON JOHN**  
If I was such a threat, would there not be people watching even now? As for not bidding thee goodbye...how couldest I when to part from thy fair countenance broke my heart and made any sentiment of my affection too hard to even whisper? Upon my word, I intended to find you once I returned to Messina but my brother's scheming prevented such.

 **ERIN**  
(excited) Oh! Oh! You are being honest with me? I...I have lived months with your face never far from my mind or my heart. That same most noblest of organs should perform the same action you claim you avoided if I find your words false, Don John!

 **DON JOHN**  
Ascend the tower you see before you and thou shalt know how I _truly_ feel for you.

_ERIN exits up the tower door. DON JOHN watches and then turns back to the donkey._

DON JOHN (cont.)  
Pleasant ass.

SCENE 4

**Inside Prison Tower**

_DON JOHN, CONRADE and BORACHIO leave the window and await ERIN's approach_

**CONRADE**  
And you have no feelings for me, my lord?

 **DON JOHN**  
No. Not one more than I hold for any instrument which aids me but which, once it has served its purose, can be discarded. Do I hold affection for the spoon given with last night's gruel? No; where it is now does not matter to me. Likewise, wherever you shall go after we part matters very little. May you serve someone just as well and they suffer your same fallibilities.

 **CONRADE**  
I see. (looks at pair of shackles in corner of cell)

 **BORACHIO**  
Hark! I think she is coming. I hear the sound of what seems a behemoth ascending the tower steps.

 **DON JOHN**  
Shhhhh, you fool! She has not freed us yet! Save thine insults until then!

_Enter ERIN top of the stairs_

**ERIN**  
Borachio? Conrade? The jest includes you both as well?

 **DON JOHN**  
Don Pedro is as wise as since last you met him, Erin. He counted on my followers loyalty so locked them away with me to ensure my captivity.

 **CONRADE**  
(walks to corner) Loyalty...

 **DON JOHN**  
The key is to your side. There is only one. Please use the speed which I know you are capable of to free us so we can prove my brother wrong.

_ERIN fetches the key and hastily opens the door. BORACHIO instantly rushes past DON JOHN and down the stairs to his freedom. CONRADE takes hold of the pair of shackles._

**ERIN**  
Now I plead you...tell me your feelings for me, Don John.

 **DON JOHN**  
(steps out of cell) I think you are as foolish as the day when I first met you and then when I managed to escape from your incessant attempts at lovemaking. Thou art too gullible to make the material of a wife any man could decently trust.

 **ERIN**  
(wounded) Only for you, Don John. My foolishness is for you only.

 **DON JOHN**  
If thou loyalty is assurred then why were thou preparing to marry that old and ignorant lout Fenando? It seems to me, your words are as good as any women's which makes them as valueless as the dirt at the bottom of a pond. And as such, it should be equally unseen.

 **ERIN**  
You heartless bastard!

 **DON JOHN**  
So they keep calling me. Now if you allow, I shall leave you for a second and hopefully more _permanent_ time. I could think of no worse fate then to suffer a second longer in your company.

_CONRADE, rushes forward with two linked shackles which he clamps down on ERIN's and his master's wrists._

**DON JOHN (cont.)**  
Conrade! You buffoon! What is the meaning of this outrage.

 **CONRADE**  
At first, my intent was to link us. But now hearing from thine own lips thou declarest thine own worst punishment, I have seen fit for a better source of amusement. Seeing, this pitiful creature, whom obviously still loves you despite your betrayal and all reason, I desire no such fate. She canst have you and you deserve her in turn. Thou havest my blessing.

_CONRADE grabs the key out of ERIN's hand, turns and flees with wild laughter._

_DON JOHN and ERIN turn to stare at one another, bound to each other, as the chain dangles between them._


	2. ACT TWO

**ACT TWO**

SCENE 1

**Before Prison Gates**

_Enter GUARD 1 and GUARD 2_

**GUARD 1**

Tis an even sadder state of things when one hears reveling and, sneaking off to taste a single bite of it, finds that the sound was far more appetising than the bit of jest offered by the revelling itself.

**GUARD 2**

Margaret, in penance for her unwilful act of treachery towards her lady, is now content on acting the part of a chaste nun before she has even placed one foot inside of the convent!

 **GUARD 1**  
Same here; same here.

**GUARD 2**

She does not so much as permit the breath from one man to touch her. And, when it does, it seems to possess the strength to propel her once inviting body to the opposite side of the room. She will make a very fine nun if the sight of the saints, their master and his Father doth not offend her too much.

**GUARD 1**

We are as far removed from the saints as the sun is opposed to the moon, my friend. And their master and His are no where to be found in our mean countenances. She shall fair quite well, methinks; more so than we will have the right to claim if our leaving our post is to be discovered.

**GUARD 2**

Shall I check on the prisoners three?

**GUARD 1**

You can check on them three or once or two and one for all I care. But I do not see Don John's sour face in yonder window as usually befits him and must confess that my heart is troubled for it. Hark! Quickly fly and see the reason why we are spared from his scowling.

_Exit GUARD 2_

**GUARD 1**

I fear having to report to my prince the flight of his brother if it is the case. It hath long been known that their relationship is one to make a countryside envious. They have long suffered many hills and valleys in their handling of the other, mostly on Don John's handling of it. But it had been hoped that they had smoothed their civility in regards to one another's company to the stillness of the calm sea. Then this bit of mischief occurs and once more Don Pedro's concerns towards his bastard brother becomes a tempest.

_GUARD 2's face appears, sticking out from the prison window_

**GUARD 2**

The cell is empty and betrays no sign of what superceded the flight or whence its lost children have gone to.

**GUARD 1**

Drat it!

**GUARD 2**

Two curious bits of business, though.

**GUARD 1**

Out with it!

**GUARD 2**

A pair of shackles they hath taken with them, as if, in gaining their freedom, they had become too fond of captivity and desired a fitting reminder of it. As well, there is also a donkey loitering beneath the window.

**GUARD 1**

The minds of criminals are not much different than our own but this I cannot fathom! Come down, my companion! We must return to the celebration and bring our lord bad news to dampen it. We shall ask while we are there for the waiting woman Margaret to beseech her Master to show us some pity and move Don Pedro's heart to not kill either two ill newsed messengers or two miserable and repentent prison guards!

SCENE 2

**Messina Street**

_The Wedding Celebration of CLAUDIO to HERO and BENEDICK to BEATRICE. One of the grooms and DON PEDRO stand in front of a large table bedecked with a grand feast._

**BENEDICK**

Although it seems a strange confession to make, I am half sick of joy and find myself longing for a little of sorrow. Yet the sun keeps shining and the sky professes nary a cloud to spark a hope of rain.

**DON PEDRO**

Thou just wishes for an opportunity to be free from the spirited wife thou hast acquired.

**BENEDICK**

There might be some truth to the sentiment.

**DON PEDRO**

Whenever I see'st the two of you, Beatrice seems to desire your company here to speak in private there. Hast she resorted to her former barbs and battle of speech with thee, Benedick, but cares too much of you as a spouse to do so in public?

**BENEDICK**

Ha! If only that were the case. Her attack is of the more physical sort and I findest myself longing for a simple jab of her tongue instead of her desiring an act which requires much more time and focus.

**DON PEDRO**

So the impassioned cries I hear drifting out to us during your secret confidences are not born of displeasure but its opposite sensation?

**BENEDICK**

Yes. I am afraid that the joyous celebration inspires in her an insatiable hunger; one I am growing tired of answering. Claudio may find the strength to heed Hero's call but he has youth to aid him. I fear the disappointment of my bride and her subsequent discovery that I have grown older since our fateful first meeting or even the last. If the festivity ends it might signal her eventual transformation from blushing and lustful bride to sallow and wretched wife and spare me her discovery that my body can not keep up with hers as opposed to our very well matched brains. At the time being, I have not the foresight to avoid my regret should I find myself united to a harpy in the end and find myself longing for the nymph.

**DON PEDRO**

Thou hadst loved her when she was a harpy!

**BENEDICK**

Perhaps thou hast lit on the reason for my weariness. I miss my dagger tongued lass and our verbal sparring!

**DON PEDRO**

Tell me, friend, during this thy moment of respite, hast thou decided on punishment for my bastard brother?

 **BENEDICK**  
Alas my thoughts have been consumed with the pleasing of Beatrice. The punishment of Don John and his followers has nary room to garner my attention.

**DON PEDRO**

He most cruelly led Claudio into the false belief that Hero had been unfaithful...

**BENEDICK**

This lead our friend to denounce her at what was meant to be the original marriage and the happiest moment of her thus short life. It could have meant the broken heart of the admirable Hero.

**DON PEDRO**

It most certainly brought about a most painful and unnecessary scene of her humiliation. That must be properly recompensed.

**BENEDICK**

He is thine brother. Doth thou havest a suggestion?

**DON PEDRO**

None that comes to mind which is severe or merciful enough.

**BENEDICK**

And what are your feelings towards the man whom carries half your blood inside his veins?

**DON PEDRO**

When my father introduced us to the other, I was older; but I held only love for Don John. He was so innocent then that I could not help in doing so: a little lamb of white. Even if he served as a reminder of my sire's betrayal of my mother. Still that same woman whom had overseen my gestation never stopped reminding the poor child of the fact that he was unwanted here. And when she did not, she chose to ignore the boy instead. His own mother, buried, I am afraid that Don John ignored my affection in order to try to please a mother whose blood still ran and whose heart still found its next beat; and in the futility of doing so turned his fleece from white to black; More so than I even suspected.

**BENEDICK**

I easily bring to mind her treatment of him. It was most harsh. But I fail to see how this accounts for your brother's first turning to mischief and villany.

**DON PEDRO**

It was how he received attention and became sullen when it was not earned.

**BENEDICK**

He received enough attention as it were from the fairer sex, if attention was what he craved, I remember. They swarmed around him seeking his attention in return. I recall a certain young daughter of your servant. She was of certain impressive girth. It was amusing to see her make herself into thy brother's constant shadow, though, he caused her only frustration and insult in return for her affection. Except for the odd moment, that is.

**DON PEDRO**

He desired a mother not a lover. Having only witnessed a woman at her most selfish, cruel and immovable, Don John found his use for all other of her sex intolerable. Even fat, adoring Erin he forsook in order to acquire followers he could use for his own wicked plots. If not, he might have used her as well for she most certainly would have done anything that he asked; her sex both saved and damned her.

**BENEDICK**

A fine summary of his history and the seeds of his illness but it brings me no closer towards the choosing for his punishment.

**DON PEDRO**

In any case, I fear it would do no good. For men like Don John, it is best that God makes them to stumble into the choice of their retribution by themselves. Otherwise, the lesson is not learnt and the punishment is not worth a damn.

_Enter GUARD 1_

**GUARD 1**

We regret to inform you, Don Pedro, that thou brother hast fled and with his followers Borrachio and Conrade closely behind.

**DON PEDRO**

And how was this flight made to take place with two guards keeping watch over him?

_Enter GUARD 2 pulling on the DONKEY's reins_

**GUARD 2**

We heard a noise and left to see if it was cause for concern, fair prince! Twas a mere distraction! He must have had outside help! This was left. Tis a stubborn creature, the criminals must have brought to escape on but which refused to aid them, becoming our accomplice more than theirs.

**BENEDICK**

Three criminals seeking escape on such a pathetic creature? Tis an insane and inane plot!

**DON PEDRO**

Regardless, God hath finally sent your cloud filled with its rain to the celebration, my friend. Let us return to the prison to see what we can find.

_Exeunt DON PEDRO, BENEDICK and GUARD 1_

**GUARD 2**  
(pulls on sitting DONKEY's reins and then surrenders) Stay here foul creature! Perhaps thou will enjoy the celebration and fair Margaret more than my comrade and I!

_Exit GUARD 2_

_DON JOHN and ERIN both enter as they stand up from behind the banquet table; the man's hand over the woman's mouth as he holds her from behind. He quickly drops it._

**ERIN**

Thou brother played no trick! Twas only you! You lied to me from within the prison cell where you belonged!

**DON JOHN**

And does thou havest a point to thy minor tirade?

**ERIN**

No. Only that I am a fool to have believed your lie. Is there a reason why thou sought to hurt Hero or Claudio?

**DON JOHN**

Dos't thou desire another lie?

**ERIN**

(holds up chain) We are linked now, having become one flesh even if we are joined only by rusted metal and not the wedding vows that I hoped for and sought.

**DON JOHN**

(scoffs) Thou art an even bigger fool if thou believest that marriage breeds truth between a man and a woman! It breeds only lies and more deceit from those. But if thou wouldst have it, I was bored.

_DON JOHN moves to the other side of the table, dragging ERIN along with him._

**ERIN**

Tis a horrible reason to tarnish Hero's repute and Claudio's affection for her.

**DON JOHN**

When does the reason need to be worthy when mischief is the force which compels and propels it?

**ERIN**

Propels thee to Hell and divine retribution.

**DON JOHN**

Since I was three years old, my brother's mother, my father's wife, told me that there was no other place reserved for me. Why should I not have my fun in the going there?

_ERIN steps behind him and wraps her arms about his waist._

**ERIN**

There is a place reserved in Hell for those whom torment God's lost children and push them towards sin.

_DON JOHN breaks free from her hold and walks towards the ASS._

**ERIN (cont.)**

Tis my own horrible beast!

_DON JOHN pets the side of the DONKEY's face._

**ERIN (cont.)**

But it seems fond of thee, Don John! Yes! I would say that my ass quite fancies you.

**DON JOHN**

We can use it to aid in our escape.

_ERIN quickly pulls him towards the table again._

**DON JOHN (cont)**

Blasted woman! What art thou doing now? Freedom is a quick bird. We must pounce on it before it flies away, taking our escape for itself!

**ERIN**

With all this food before us, it would be a sin to be seized by hunger later and regret we did not help ourselves to it now!

**DON JOHN**

Oh thou infuriating creature art sent ahead of time by the devil, himself, to grant me a glimpse of my fate!

**ERIN**

I think of thine hunger. What wife would let her husband starve whilst they are travelling?

**DON JOHN**

Thou wilt be Fernando's bride before thou art ever mine and I should be most grateful for the fact.

_ERIN continues to grab food. After staring at her for a few seconds, a strange look crosses, Don John's face and he begins to help her._

SCENE 3

**Road in Messina**

_ERIN stands on one side of the DONKEY while DON JOHN stands on the other. The link of their chain is hidden by the beast's saddle._

**ERIN**

Pray tell, boy of my childhood affection and man of my adult deception, how will this aid in our escape when neither of us ride it? 

**DON JOHN**

It bestows on us the appearance of a youthful couple and not two criminals.

**ERIN**

You bless me with a title I have yet to deserve. Unless, tell me, Don John, hath I managed to steal thine heart yet?

**DON JOHN**

Thou art thee most tiresome creature God hath allowed his breath to reside in! Thou suffer my abuse without ever growing any wiser towards my contempt for thee! Thou knowest my heart cannot belong to anyone for the heart I have is made of a cruel and mean substance. Why makest continual attempts to claim even a single beat from a broken thing?

**ERIN**

Because God made woman as blind as a bat and as stubborn as this mule. Once she has loved a man there is no hope for her. She will live out each day under the sun pining away for her lover and each night under its moon dreaming of him.

**DON JOHN**

And were thou contentedst to dream of me yet make thine bed between Fernando?

**ERIN**

Perhaps. Or maybe in mine own heart I wished to make thou jealous, Don John, and wouldst never have gone through with the whole miserable affair in the end.

**DON JOHN**

That soothes me very little. What proof is there that thou wouldst not have?

**ERIN**

(excited) Thou longest for proof? Hath I received a sign finally that you care from such a flippant confession?

_DON JOHN swiftly turns and looks at her across the DONKEY's back_

**ERIN (cont.)**

For whom would seek to be soothed except for one whom has been made disturbed in some small fashion? I am most sorry for upsetting you, my love.

**DON JOHN**

I shall toss your apology back at you for it is unneeded, my hate.

**ERIN**

But you will keep it in secret and hold it to your heart as I do with every memory of you, save the ones of your leaving.

**DON JOHN**

Between thou ears is nothing but hay and feather. I merely do not comprehend how thou can weddest thineself to a bloated, old goat of a man when thou professed undying love for me. I too hold memories of a certain girl, shy but who was her own woman and whom made me believe that she was somehow mine though I did not want her.

**ERIN**

And I recall a sullen boy a few years older than that girl and the sadness she witnessed him carrying along with his anger. Often he allowed her to sit by his side whilst he sat and made the badger jealous with his surliness and the mouse covetous towards his silence. Desiring to be close to him, perchance, she ill believed that he enjoyed her company until someone spotted them together and, in the fear of teasing, he pushed her away from him.

**DON JOHN**

Though her mouth knows not how to quit from its muttering hence, there was a time when, _maybe_ , she was silent herself enough to not make him aware of her presence.

**ERIN**

Despite the occassional taking of his hand in hers? And the following tender squeeze?

**DON JOHN**

When an act holds no meaning it possesses no weight of real consequence. The young man did not realize he was being touched.

**ERIN**

And the girl was thus foolish to think she could touch a heart, lying inwards, when she could not touch the hand outwardly lying by her side. (sighs) Was thou brother right? Did you find yourself so burnt by the cruelty of one woman that thou hast forsaken all others? I am not your mother but, if it suits, I can play the role of it mingled with the role I covet of being thy lover. I shall teach thou, feed thou, spank thou, praise thou, wash thine clothes, tuckest thou under the sheets and then lovest thou in turn.

_DON JOHN gazes at the ground and then raises his head_

**DON JOHN**  
(pointing ahead) Tis a farm house! Surely they possess a tool which will hasten us to our desired separation! And if not, a place for us to lodge for the night. Get thine ass in gear and hurry woman! Freedom is once more before us but threatening to spread its wings and fly out from our grasp!


	3. ACT THREE

**ACT THREE**

SCENE THREE

**Road in Messina**

_GUARD 1 and GUARD 2 walking same road as DON JOHN and ERIN were seen previously walking._

**GUARD 2**

Twas a blessing Don Pedro did not seek a higher form of punishment against us for his having perceived our negligence at our post.

**GUARD 1**

(scoffs) Tis bad enough to be forced to wander darkening roads to search for a villian whose capture will hardly see the betterment of an already hopeless and sorrowful world then to have to listen to you praise the man whom enforced it as well.

**GUARD 2**

But Don John did play a trick most cruel which almost cost Hero her life and risked both that fine lady and her suitor two broken hearts besides.

**GUARD 1**

Both Claudio and our lord, with far too much ease, believed ill of a woman of virtue. Shall we punish them for being fools whom fell into Don John's plans, like two dumb curs being led to the butcher's with a piece of meat, one that obviously smells rotten and is not worth taking a single bite thereof? No. They remain free to send us off to do their leg work for them. Don John played them for fools. One wonders where their desire to punish the bastard stems truly from: Is it to avenge a woman whom is now most happily married? Or is it to appease the pride he mocked and the alleged intelligence he showed to be too highly esteemed? Let the man be is a recommendation I must keep to myself.

**GUARD 2**

And if he continues to work his mischief on others?

**GUARD 1**

If they have a grain of wit they shall avoid it. If they be fools then they deserve the fate he hands them. The devil tis a bastard himself but he forces no man to fall for his lies nor to commit sin. The blame be in the heart of man and Satan may just be another name for it.

**GUARD 2**

(stops points ahead) Tis a farmhouse with a familiar ass!

**GUARD 1**

Tis a farmhouse but how doth thy recognize the beast so effortlessly?

**GUARD 2**

(squints) I assume it to be the same ass that we found outside the prison because of the shape of its frame: the belly which meets the ground, its ears which argue and point in opposite directions. It is also fair to say, having had to pull the stubborn beast from the prison to the site of the festivities where Don Pedro awaited, I know the damn beast all too well.

**GUARD 1**

And why, I beggeth thee to tell me, would the same beast end up so far away from whence it was left?

**GUARD 2**

Perchance Don John took it to aid in his escape!

**GUARD 1**

An ass that doth not move? Next thou wilt tell me he has shackled himself to a woman of great size as well! When a man has set his sights on flight, he seeketh to lessen his load not multiply it. Thou art a fool. If I had the willpower I shouldest leave you with the donkey.

 **GUARD 2**  
(nods head in agreement) Thou couldest.

**GUARD 1**

But I will not. To speak of shackles, you are the one I must bearest for thou could not survive on thine own and I could not survive with my guilt. Come. We must return to Messina and Don Pedro.

**GUARD 2**

But we have not completed the search for Don John.

**GUARD 1**

And they shall never know it for they have left us alone to do their dirty work while their legs do not grow thick veined and the soles of their feet remain clean.

**GUARD 2**

But what about the ass?

**GUARD 1**

Leave your mind off of asses; it lingers there far too long for comfort , making of thyself an ass in turn. In a few more hours it shall be dark and we will be off of this road and away from robbers which pose greater threats than the bastard brothers of foolish lords!

_Exeunt GUARD 1 and GUARD 2_

SCENE TWO

**Farmhouse. Outside of Messina**

_Enter FARMER, DON JOHN and ERIN_

_DON JOHN and ERIN have hidden the chain linking them by placing a blanket over it._

**FARMER**

So you say you have come from the wedding celebration of Claudio to Hero?

**DON JOHN**

Yes.

**FARMER**

And you claim that you had a hand in the joyous event?

**ERIN**

Oh, pray, let me say, that the festivities would not have been half as celebratory if my precious husband had not personally involved himself in the bride and groom's affairs.

**DON JOHN**

(glares down at ERIN) My darling wife means that I aided in the preparation of the wedding feast and offered the gift of several furnishings and the like to aid the guests in their comfort.

**ERIN**

Yes. The happy couple's comfort was _foremost_ on your mind.

**FARMER**

And what is your reason for leaving so abruptly?

**DON JOHN**

Abruptly? When the celebration goes on and on ceaselessly? When the sun grows weary of shining on a group of buffons, and the moon dreads the discovery that she, yet again, must offer her light to a reveling crowd of fools, its end cannot be called abrupt.

**ERIN**

(smirks up at DON JOHN) You must pardon my lord. He is irritable from travel but then again he is irritable most days and the sun grows weary of him as well. The festivities found their quick ending when news of the dastardly and _horrible_ Don John's escape reached the ears of the revelers.

**FARMER**

He hath managed to escape then?

**ERIN**

(nods) But it was inevitable. Such an oil covered creature, such an eel, a serpent, cannot help in refusing to be imprisoned. He quite easily slips out of the hands of those whom wish to hold him due to his slimy and vile nature. And the bars of his cage soon find any attempt to contain him useless; for his greasy countenance aids in him slipping through them without difficulty. He is also not afraid to use anyone as a tool to open any lock for him as well. Even those whom _love_ him most.

**DON JOHN**

Or those merely without wit.

**ERIN**

Tis truth as well. For those whom love him possess none.

**FARMER**

Well, he shall not get far. His brother, though I have never met him _or_ the bastard brother of which we speak, will see fit to catch him once again and then he shalt find his punishment sorely. Thou art welcome to stay in the barn. There is no room for either of you in the house. I have as many offspring as chicks and a mate whom makes my bull seem tame. But she shall cook for you gladly this evening. Be at the table shortly after the sun finds itself too heavy and sinks towards the horizon.

_Exit FARMER_

**DON JOHN**

(glares at ERIN) Thou tongue shall be thy death woman!

**ERIN**

If thou fearest what I shall say next with it, thou shouldest find another way to keep it occupied.

**DON JOHN**

Thou brazen harlot! Thou art not the shy creature whom once was my shadow.

**ERIN**

I am still the same but this sudden closeness has made me bold. As does the knowledge that this chance might be our last. Any creature you desire you shall find her living inside of me to please thee, Don John.

**DON JOHN**

And I have no need for any single one.

**ERIN**

Thou only maketh me love thou more by thine words.

**DON JOHN**

Why? How? Tell me for I do not wish to repeat my mistake again if it can be avoided.

**ERIN**

For all of our acquaintance thou hast rarely, if ever, made sport of my far from dainty size. While any other soul, including thou ever changing followers, have ridiculed me for my girth thou hast kept thine own tongue mostly silent on a subject which can wound me grieviously. Just now, another would have made the counter remark that I look to be several women. I have experienced it so often the offensive remark forms inside of my own head before it is spoken. But thou, Don John...thou keepest your insults far away from the one whom they would scar the most. And I cannot help but love thou a little more for the fact of it.

**DON JOHN**

I have no opinion of thy size for I hold no opinion on beauty. Thy weight does not make me repulsed for I view all humanity in the _same_ repulsive contempt.

_ERIN lets the blanket hiding the chain of their shackles fall. She places DON JOHN's hand on her buttocks_

**ERIN**

If thou hath no eye for what pleaseth thou...Does thou hath the feel for it?

**DON JOHN**

(pulls hand away) No, mine fingertips are as blind as mine eyes.

**ERIN**

I decieved myself then. I thought thou hast not stopped in the taking of certain liberties with my plump body since our imprisonment to one another.

**DON JOHN**

If mine hand hath touched thee in an intimate area, it was because it is hard not to when thou remains so close and leavest little space between us. Besides, there is so much of thou it is difficult to avoid doing so.

**ERIN**

(sighs) Tis my own _unwise_ mistake. I hath confessed to my love the weapon with which to wound me and he hath picked it up with great ease to help drive me away from him.

_DON JOHN notices ERIN's visible distress_

**DON JOHN**

Thy mistake is that of most women. Thou art quick to rush foolishly into an erroneous assumption. I refer to the places where thy flesh is ample and it pleaseth most men to rest their hands and fingers even if I share not their lust filled natures.

_ERIN hugs DON JOHN and kisses his cheek_

**ERIN**

There is a heart in there beneath all of that oil, Don John! I shall unearth it yet and save thee from the past of a cruel stepmother and a thoughtless father whom hath made you suffer her wrath and coldness!

**DON JOHN**

Do not make me regret my pity. Let us turn to the barn and see if it possesses some item to aid me in getting rid of thee!

_Exit DON JOHN pulling on the chain and dragging ERIN off with him_

SCENE THREE

**LEONATO's house. Messina**

_Enter HERO and BEATRICE_

**BEATRICE**

And how doth married life find thee, Hero?

**HERO**

Happier by the minute and more joyful by the hour.

**BEATRICE**

It shows on thy face and I am most happy to hear it.

**HERO**

And you?

**BEATRICE**

(sighs) Dismal by the minute and more miserable by the hour, unfortunately.

**HERO**

Pray tell!

**BEATRICE**

I have found myself with a husband; but I have lost my sparring partner, I fear.

**HERO**

Thou desirest to create war with Benedick instead of making love?

**BEATRICE**

(nods) There was more heat in our words than there are in our bodies. I keep hoping to stir in him an ardour so I persist in the latter but desire the former. If the two can be conjoined than I would be most happy. As such my body receiveth its pleasure but my brain grows dull and listless.

**HERO**

Thou shouldest tell Benedick of this grievance. What benefits you or he from your silence?

**BEATRICE**

I cannot properly herald nor welcome the return of my beloved foe if I have to coax him back to his former pompous, bold and fiery state. He must go brazenly forth himself or he is not truly my Benedick.

_Enter CLAUDIO_

**CLAUDIO**

Doth someone play in jest with my fair cousin in-law? Is there an imposter Benedick in our midst?

**BEATRICE**

I shall not answer lest in doing so thou play spy and inform on me to thy friend.

**CLAUDIO**

My friend is no longer my friend but thine husband first and foremost. I doubt he would favor my word over thine own. Just as I shall favor no word over my exquisite Hero's ever again.

**HERO**

Time will see when the bloom is off the rose and exquisite becomes commonplace.

**CLAUDIO**

Never!

**HERO**

Passing days dim adoring eyes.

**CLAUDIO**

Having lost you once thou shalt never become anything less than precious to me ever after. I have Don John to thank for that solitary favor, at least.

**BEATRICE**

Hath they found him yet?

**CLAUDIO**

No. He has gone; with no sighting of Borachio or Conrade either.

**HERO**

Tis just as well with me. My pain is past; my happiness before me.

**BEATRICE**

(scoffs) Thou art _too_ forgiving. The villian deserves the proper comeuppance for even momentarily causing thee and thy kith and kin, whom I am _blessedly_ a part of, much sorrow.

**HERO**

His own sour state is his punishment. He loveth no one so no one loveth him back. He is not well liked and so he shall leave the earth almost as he entered it, or worse than even that, seeing as no mother will be there with him when he bids it farewell. Don John will remain alone unless God in His mercy hath other plans.

**BEATRICE**

His mercy would be suspect then towards all females; for what mercy would that be towards the poor woman if He would decree as such?

**HERO**

I pray for the return of your Benedick to give thy temperament some softening.

**BEATRICE**

I pray for such as that too.

_Exeunt BEATRICE, HERO and CLAUDIO_

SCENE FOUR

**Inside Prison Tower**

_LEONATO and DON PEDRO stand about the cell where once DON JOHN and his men were held._

**LEONATO**

I wonder how he accomplished it. The keys are gone. A pair of shackles too. And you say that a donkey was found outside of the tower?

**DON PEDRO**

That is what the guards claim; but who can tell the worth of words which spew forth from distracted and gulity prison guards?

**LEONATO**

Tell me, friend, is there any part of thee that rejoices at thy brother's escape?

**DON PEDRO**

Doth thou inquire as my friend or the father of the woman Don John grieved?

**LEONATO**

Both, for I cannot separate the two.

**DON PEDRO**

For thy honesty I givest thou mine own in return. Yes, I careth for the scoundrel though he does not deserve it.

**LEONATO**

But it is in receiving our punishments that we grow as humans, Don Pedro. Without them we do not recognize our sin and are apt to repeat it.

**DON PEDRO**

Tis part of my brother's problem. Mine own mother saw fit to punish him when no sin was committed. Good or evil, Don John was rewarded with the same cruelty until he could not tell the difference between the two for he received no praise when he behaved himself well from her. So he has gone about doing what he pleases, keeping sullen and quiet in our midst and spoiling our joy secretly for he has none in his own heart.

**LEONATO**

Tis unfortunate. I cannot remember the boy ever being completely happy. The closest he ever came to letting a mirthful smile cross his lips was when that round child of one of your servants did something to amuse him. Most oft unintentionally.

**DON PEDRO**

Yes. I cannot tell if he was secretly warm towards her or if he delighted in the youthful clumsiness which endangered her life.

_Enter BENEDICK and FERNANDO_

**LEONATO**

What news doth thou bring, Benedick? And greetings to thou, Fernando; it has been long since we have seen each other.

**BENEDICK**

Nothing but I found thou former servant desiring to seek audience (aside to DON PEDRO) and pestering me until I granted it to him.

**FERNANDO**

I was coming to the wedding festivities of your most virtuous daughter to that most noble of men, Claudio, when I hath lost both my ass and my own wife to be.

**LEONATO**

Thou placeth thine missing donkey before thine future wife?

**FERNANDO**

The ass has more value to me. The girl I simply marry to cook and clean. She brings with her no dowery. She was the fat daughter of one of Don Pedro's servants, I know for a fact.

_LEONATO, BENEDICK and DON PEDRO look at one another in shocked comprehension_

**BENEDICK**

And where did you see both lass and ass last?

**FERNANDO**

Outside of this very same tower.

_LEONATO, BENEDICK and DON PEDRO share another glance_

**LEONATO**

Where art thou staying?

**FERNANDO**

In my former lodgings actually my lord. I wait for my betrothed's return when she, at last, comes to her senses. If not, I'd still desire the return of my ass.

**LEONATO**

Go and wait. I will send word if either is found.

**FERNANDO**

Thou art still most fair and kind.

_Exit FERNANDO_

**DON PEDRO**

Twas surely Erin, the same girl we just spoke of.

**LEONATO**

If she aided Don John in his flight, he has made her his accomplice and worthy of punishment besides what he must face himself.

**BENEDICK**

I cannot profess to say that any punishment would be worse for the poor girl than marriage to the most foul pig whom has just departed; she hath been crazed to even consider making such a swine into her husband!

**DON PEDRO**

Well now we know the _how_ of my bastard brother's escape. What is left to discover is _where_ he hath escaped to.

_Exeunt LEONATO, DON PEDRO and BENEDICK_

SCENE FIVE

**Room Farmhouse. Messina**

_DON JOHN and ERIN sit around a table crowded with noisy children. Both look uncomfortable, their still linked hands remain hidden under the table. The FARMER sits at the head of the table to DON JOHN's side._

**DON JOHN**

Thou was't being truthful. Thy breed is numerous and exceedingly boisterous like chicks (aside to ERIN) and if I could I would send them all to the chopping block so I could finally hear a single thought in my cursed head.

**ERIN**

(to the FARMER) We thanketh thou for allowing us to join thine fine family. (aside to DON JOHN) Twas good we brought some food with us. No sooner is some placed on the table then a chick decends on it and leaves us hungry. No, tis _not_ a brood of young chicks; they are vultures which leave not even a crumb in their destructive wake.

**DON JOHN**

Remember when thou wouldst try to share thy meals with me? It made no sense to my younger self nor to the older one whom sits beside thee. I was thy lord's brother who longed for nothing; thou was't the child of my brother's servant. Yet you foolishly tried to give to me what thou needest. Why?

**ERIN**

See! There is thou kindness towards me again slipping out! There is no accusation that with my round body I should not have added to it. Thy concern is that I would _not_ have enough.

**DON JOHN**

Stop thine praise! Answer my question, you silly, fawning woman.

**ERIN**

Thou claimest to have longed for nothing but I know now, as I knew then, tis false. Thou most surely needed comfort. From my earliest recollection, I linked comfort with food. It was a cruel and hopeless circle for it both caused and soothed my sorrow. I suppose, in my youth, I saw thou suffering and sought to give thee the same solace I had found. But thou wouldst never accept it from me. I am flattered thou rememberest it after all these years.

**DON JOHN**

It is only from thine presence and that of these hellion scavengers masquerading as children.

_Enter FARMER's WIFE holding tray with food_

**FARMER's WIFE**

Did thou givest gratitude to the Lord for the food?

**FARMER**

How many times do I tell thee? I do the work not Him so I reserve my praise to mine own self. And now I say 'Thank me.'

**FARMER's WIFE**

But _thou_ might not have a _wife_ to cook for thee if thou doth not praise thy Maker.

**ERIN**

And the Father might not give you rain for thine seeds and food for thy beasts if He perceives your ingraitude.

**DON JOHN**

(laughs) Fathers... They are a fine breed. They grant life but then will not ensure that it is a pleasant one to suffer.

**FARMER's WIFE**

I serve no more until I hear everyone give thanks!

**FARMER**

Fine then. The sooner it is over with. (loudly) Time to offer up your gratitude you unruly brood! Shut firmly thine mouths while I say it.

_Everyone clasps their hands together and prepares to say grace except for ERIN and DON JOHN, whom suddenly remember their shackles._

**FARMER's WIFE**

(looking at them with reproach) _Everyone_ at the table. Thee might be simple _guests_ but the Lord counts _all_ ingratitude against those whom dwell in the house where it is shown.

_DON JOHN and ERIN look at one another and then clasp both of their free hands together as if they are one person._

**FARMER's WIFE**

What a warming sight! A couple so in love they offer their gratefulness to the Lord with linked hands!

**DON JOHN**

Yes. And we shall _not_ keep Him waiting.

**FARMER**

Thank You, God for the food that I raised and grew. Amen.

**FARMER'S WIFE**

Foolish husband! I greatly suspect we shall share no other life than this together! (places food on the table next to ERIN)

_Exit FARMER's WIFE._

**FARMER**

(aside to DON JOHN) Tis my hope. (notices ERIN's attention solely on the children grabbing for the plate by her side) Pray tell, how long have you two been joined?

**DON JOHN**

(looks down to where the chain would be) Not long; but still too long, I hate to say. Truth told, I have known her since she was but an infant.

**FARMER**

Let me tell thee a secret to wedded bliss, my boy. If thou wantest a woman to do a certain thing, merely do the opposite. Other than in matters of religion, where the love of God holds more sway over her joy at opposing you, it will usually work. A woman delights in proving her master wrong.

**DON JOHN**

(mocking) My eternal gratitude. (turns to look at the now empty plate and sighs)

_ERIN taps DON JOHN on the shoulder_

**DON JOHN (cont.)**  
What doth thou want now, abominable wench?

_ERIN takes DON JOHN's hand and places on its palm a morsel of food._

**ERIN**

Here. For thine comfort.

_DON JOHN looks at the food resting in his hand and is obviously touched inspite of himself. He takes it, bites it in half and hands to her the remaining half._

**DON JOHN**

There. For _thine_ own comfort in return. Though thy stealest mine by being near.

_Both DON JOHN and ERIN look shyly at each other and then away._


	4. ACT FOUR

**ACT FOUR**

SCENE ONE

**Court House. Messina**

_GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO sit in widely spaced chairs outside of Judge's chamber_

**GUARD ONE**

Tis a sad state that, when a villian two guards art forced to keep vigil over flees, the imbeciles in charge, whom did not meet out their retribution swift enough, seek to turn the undelivered and undecided punishment onto the two guards instead.

**GUARD TWO**

But we have earned it my companion. It would be sore upon the citizens of Messina if, by our example, all future guards therein believed that they could scurry off when the need possessed them.

**GUARD ONE**

(folds arms) So it better serves to make of us examples of the punishment they could not give to Don John? We did not bring the ass to the window. We did not take the key from off the wall to unlock his cell so he could fly away. We simply heard the sounds of a celebration which had lingered too long and went towards it as all human nature inclines.

**GUARD TWO**

Human nature can either be rewarded for its nobility or punished for an interest which remains purely selfish. Twas nothing noble in our abandonment of the post entrusted to us. Twas wholly selfish our pursuit of Margaret and the pleasures rumored to be found in her body.

**GUARD ONE**

But none were found at the end of it! Hark here comes the woman to give testament to the fact.

_Enter MARGARET_

**MARGARET**

My eyes come to rest on the two men whom art my sole purpose in coming here.

**GUARD TWO**

Whilst thou speak against us?

**GUARD ONE**

Tis assured. She be a woman of the Lord's now.

**MARGARET**

Yes, but thou shouldest be grateful for that fact, if nothing else. There is greater mercy to be found in one whom mimics a man whom shed _his_ own blood for thee, then one whom wishes to spilt _thine_ own.

**GUARD ONE**

But thou words can hardly do to my companion or myself one blasted jot of good! Thou whilst tell the Judge our sore grievances upon thee and our seeking thou own company and favors. Thou can praise Heaven but thy words will cast both of us straight in the opposite direction.

_MARGARET strolls up to both men and stands in the space between them facing the audience. Her right hand finds the chin of GUARD ONE while her left one cups that of GUARD TWO._

**MARGARET**

If by a stray word which falls from my lips, I get thee both in trouble, thou can countest by my same words and on my two lips, that I will find a way to maketh it up to the pair of thee before I am sent to the convent and forsake my fleshly ways.

**GUARD TWO**

Thou whilst?

**MARGARET**

(nods) Yes. But only if thou are punished. If thou art set free the cause will no longer take breath so will not need to be satiated.

_Enter JUDGE._

_JUDGE motions MARGARET into his chamber. Both_ _GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO watch as she walks away._

**GUARD TWO**

Now I find myself in a far worse state. I canst decide if I wish to avoid being reprimanded for failing to watch over Don John of if I shoudest desire to receive my punishment and anticipate the promise of Margaret's consolation.

**GUARD ONE**

Tis most like a woman. She makes punishment seem like a reward and reward seemest most like punishment!

 **GUARD TWO**  
Doth thou believe she will condemn or saveth us?

**GUARD ONE**

Whichever suitest her purpose most. But there be the thorn in her eye as well as in our side. Doth she wish to show us mercy, as she claims, or doth some hidden part wish for one last roll in the hay before virtue be clasped about her ankle like its own punishment?

_Exit MARGARET_

_MARGARET steps in between both men and faces audience once more_

**MARGARET**

Thou may findest thy council with the Judge now.

_Exit GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO into JUDGE's chamber._

_MARGARET smiles at audience and exits._

_SCENE TWO_

**Barn. Outside of Messina**

_DON JOHN and ERIN sit on hay covered floor of barn eating the stolen food from the Messina wedding banquet. DONKEY stands in the corner._

**DON JOHN**

No vile vultures to descend on us here and take this from our mouths. I have no fondness for children and seeing them at close proximity I grow no fonder. But thou hast saved us, Erin. Thou whilst make Fernando a fine bride. Inside thy brain there lies a spark of intelligence that would make a man proud to say she is the better half of his soul.

**ERIN**

I wish that thou wouldst be the one to claim such a thing not Fernando.

_DON JOHN picks up the peelings etc... and tosses them to the side without saying a word._

**ERIN (cont.)**

Fernando is not the man I seek the praise of. I doth not desire his recriminations either. No compliment would sound half as sweet on his tongue as it would resting on the stealer of my heart, when I wast only but a child. Nor would an insult be half as pleasing if it came not from you.

_DON JOHN remains silent_

**ERIN (cont.)**

The wall between us is the same as it was in our youths. We grow older but no more wiser, I fear, as we unwisely cling to that which separates us. Thou wast treated most cruelly by thy brother's mother, whom would not let you forget that you were a bastard. I, in my own prison, hold fast to the belief that thou mayest love me one day if I find the right word to speak or act to commit. But when they showest to me only thy false mother's indifference, I take the failure too close to my heart and place the blame in my lack of beauty and poise.

**DON JOHN**

(turns to her) Thou art fair, woman. Thy eyes would stir the heart inside a man, should it be present. The ascending curve of thou lips would make it rush to its next beat and glow warm from the soft and gentle nature both eyes and lips impart. And thy size has not served as a hindrance to thee. It is so quick and sure footed I fail to comprehend how any man could not let his thoughts roam to what other areas he might see thy grace, behind locked doors, if he possessed a man's penchant for lust.

**ERIN**

I both grieve that thou do not share it and am grateful lest it create in me inconsolable amounts of pain and jealousy.

**DON JOHN**

I have attempted it in passing but soon grew bored and unwilling. If it does not grieve thee too much to hear.

**ERIN**

But a little. Tis would be closer to the myths of Greeks if I could fool myself into believing that, whilst being a man, thou had not tried the act which consumes thy gender, all save the Saints. And even they have been known to falter now and then inside of its presence. But I delight in the knowing that perhaps thy few partners held no place in thine heart and could not ignite a passion in an area far lower.

**DON JOHN**

Thy mouth serves in bringing thee shame, harlot! Why be'est thou so brazen?

**ERIN**

Because this is the last chance between us. And I intend to seize it before the shackle linking you to me is severed, and like thou oft mentioned bird of freedom, thou fliest away from me forever.

**DON JOHN**

(rises to feet and peers down at her) And like the little fool that thou art thou shalt stand there listening to every cursed clap of my wing as I become free of thee!

_DON JOHN turns around and sits down, facing away from ERIN and audience. ERIN sits so she faces audience directly and addresses them._

**ERIN**

What shalt be done? Since an early age my heart hath found its beating solely in the company and countenance of an ill tempered bastard. Doth his coldness repel me? No. Does his melancholia make me burdened and drive me away from him? Certainly it would be a lie to utter yes. I loveth a man whom considers love a falsity having been starved of it since his own childhood. Is there some chance of victory for me? Why doth God find our love being given to that which opposeth us? I cannot convince him that not all women be born from the same cloth as Don Pedro's matriarch. I be as close to her temperment as a sheep is to a snake. Yet I am damned by my sex and his preconceived notion towards it. Oh that I had the opportunity to show him, that whilst my body be similar to that of the one person whom made him feel forever lacking, it wouldst surely welcome him in a way to his pleasing!

_DON JOHN suddenly rises._

**DON JOHN**

I grow weary of staring at the donkey. Let us trade with one another the view of thine ass.

**ERIN**

If it is what thou desiresth.

_DON JOHN and ERIN change positions so the man now faces the audience and speaks to them_

**DON JOHN**

What I desireth is thy absence from me. Do not holdeth me so closely. I cannot give to thee what I have been denied in youth, some sense of love, so it could not take seed to grow. If thou planteth an onion a rose doth not grow in its place. What comes to fruition is dependent on the seed, tis the laws of God and nature. Though I find I hold thee no ill feelings. And I pray that thou doth not suffer too greviously when I have taken leave of thou. Shadow of my youth...thou art dearer to my personage than the companion whom bound us together. How can I make thee leave my side in similar fashion?

_DON JOHN thinks on this for a few seconds._

**DON JOHN (cont.)**

The old farmer hath claimed that in a woman's heart she is a contrary beast. If I play the part of willing suitor, perhaps she will find she no longer desireth it; my cold heart being worth more to her than my heated ardor.

_DON JOHN rises to his feet._

**DON JOHN (cont.)**

Erin!

**ERIN**

(rising to feet) Yes, my lord.

**DON JOHN**

Methinks thou hast touched something in my breast. I find my thoughts returning to thee often!

**ERIN**

Thou doth?

**DON JOHN**

With every pounding beat contained like a caged animal. And a stirring in my area far lower to it!

**ERIN**

Don John!

_ERIN backs away in shock_

**DON JOHN**

(aside) Tis working as well as the farmer sayeth. (to Erin) I long to _hold_ you. Thou wast right. I took one liberty too often and now my mind cannot stop from longing with sorest pain for just one more...one blessed more!

**ERIN**

(backs away as far as the chain permits) DON JOHN! Thou shalt _not_ have a single more!

**DON JOHN**

(aside) Has worked better than I had hopest.

**ERIN**

Thou shalt have a thousand and a million after that!

_ERIN runs to DON JOHN and together they fall down into a pile of hay, which flies up into the air around them, as they are hidden from the audience's eyes._

SCENE THREE

**Balcony. Leonato's House. Messina**

_BENEDICK stands on balcony looking at sky._

**BENEDICK**

One blessed moment of reprieve. No need to become husband, friend or punisher. I count the stars and find my blessings amongst them. For I am grateful to be husband and to be friend and to possess the righteousness to deal out justice instead of being on its recieving end. But still a man always needs one solitary moment now and then to remindest himself of what role he plays for himself alone and no other.

**BEATRICE**

(offstage) Oh Benedick!

**BENEDICK**

Drat it! There I lose myself again! No sooner do I make reacquaintance with the fine fellow I once was then my other half wishes to remind me that I have lost half of myself as well in our marriage. I thinkest that I am at the end of my rope though she longs to tie my own around her once more!

_Enter BEATRICE_

**BEATRICE**

There is my loving husband! The greatest man in all of Messina! Do the stars envy thine beauty or are they admiring thee, my love?

**BENEDICK**

That doth it! Where is thy tongue that once would have claimed that the stars mocked my unappealing features, to which there was little point and that I shouldest stop my staring let I cause one to fall from the sky to escape my grotesquerie?

**BEATRICE**

Hey?

**BENEDICK**

This! This constant pleasantries betwixt us must meet their conclusion, tiresome Beatrice! Bring back the sabre tongued girl I fancied whom fancied herself better than any man including the perfect one she weddest.

**BEATRICE**

(saunters up to him tartly) Perfect? Ha! Perhaps there was a bit of charm to that pathetic creature, whom hath seemed to have disappeared on the day of our confession to each other, but I do not see him now. What greets my eyes is a man who makes love to me in order to be _free_ of me all the quicker

**BENEDICK**

(saunters towards her equally boldly) Never quick enough. My endurance be the stuff of legend

**BEATRICE**

Ha! Legends, thou mayest find, are full of falsity and fabrications. No sooner doth thou kiss me then, POP! A bit of watering my field and then the act is over. If I were but a man I should show thee how the act is done!

**BENEDICK**

Why thou conceited wench!

**BEATRICE**

Oh yes! Wench I be and even that is more a man than thee Benedick!

**BENEDICK**

Aha!

_He grabs BEATRICE._

**BENEDICK (cont.)**

There is the woman I loved but seemest not to have joined in marriage. (kisses her) She tastes the same as my wife but with a touch of vinegar! Shall we consummate this union now for real?

**BEATRICE**

Depends. Art thou my true Benedick?

BENEDICK drops BEATRICE to the ground and the audience hears a loud thud.

**BEATRICE**

Tis he!

BENEDICK folds his arms and looks proud until BEATRICE pulls him to join her on the balcony floor.

SCENE FOUR

**Barn. Outside of Messina**

_DON JOHN and ERIN lie sleeping on the barn floor. Their clothing is dishevelled, indicating something intimate has taken between them. A fact further hinted at by the fact that DON JOHN has fallen asleep with his head on ERIN'S breast._

_DON JOHN wakes up. He looks at ERIN's still sleeping face and touches it tenderly. He steals a kiss from her lips but she sleeps on. DON JOHN sits up and continues to stare at her. He goes to brush the hair from her face and sees that the chain has broken between their shackles._

_The sight of it shakes DON JOHN from his loving adoration of the girl. He runs the hand baring it through his hair now looking at the sleeping woman in fear._

_Rising to his feet, DON JOHN swiftly buckles his pants and backs away from ERIN in obvious horror. He walks backwards all the way to the barn door and out of it, still in the grips of uncomfortable terror._

SCENE FIVE

**Prison Tower. Messina**

_DON PEDRO stands talking with LEONATO_

**DON PEDRO**

It seems that Hero's waiting woman vouched for the guards. She stated that when they approached her at the wedding celebration it was because they were indeed searching for the distraction they had told us led them from their post.

**LEONATO**

Thou doth hold little faith in her statement?

**DON PEDRO**

I am not sure. She requested that the men's punishment involve them attending her on the journey to the convent. Is she interested in the men's salvation or a final bit of the sport that amused her and threatened her lady's happiness?

**LEONATO**

Maybe she is cunning to find both at the same time. She was always too clever for her own amusement. Part of her ill behavior stems from her love of merriment and her poor station not allowing her proper outlet to stave off boredom. Her brain not receiving stimulation, she turned to her body instead.

**DON PEDRO**

Well, she will have her hands full.

_LEONATO and DON PEDRO look at each other and grimace before falling into laughter_

_Enter BENEDICK_

**BENEDICK**

My master, my lord!

**DON PEDRO**

Yes? Out with the news thou art quick to spill.

**BENEDICK**

Thy brother has returned to Messina!

**DON PEDRO**

He hath been apprehended?

**BENEDICK**

No! He hath returned by his own choice and turned himself in by his own volition!

_DON PEDRO, LEONATO and BENEDICK all look at each other in astonishment_


	5. ACT FIVE

**ACT FIVE**

SCENE ONE

**Outside of LEONATO's house. Messina.**

_GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO wait for Margaret impatiently._

**GUARD ONE**

Tis most disagreeable! It seems that having been waiting woman for Hero for years, the lady Margaret desires to have her recompense in our precious time!

**GUARD TWO**

Lighten thou mood my companion! Keep thine eyes only on the promise that the woman made to us of her favors!

**GUARD ONE**

Aye! But that was on the condition that she led us to our conviction. Me suspects her motives now in still agreeing to our company and having us take her to the convent where both Creator and Savior be ready to claim her.

**GUARD TWO**

Thou possesseth a mind weaved together with threads of suspicion entwined with doubt. Take out one thread and let it all fall apart and rejoice in the prospect of Margaret's bidding final goodbye to her carnality with two such unworthy fellows as ourselves.

**GUARD ONE**

Still something smells ill...far more so than the scent that wafts in from Denmark on the rare occassion.

**GUARD TWO**

Give it a rest comrade! Don John has turned himself in, we no longer face punishment but instead hold on to the promise of Margaret's penance for her poor treatment of us.

**GUARD ONE**

My mind turns to pondering the reason for Don Pedro's bastard brother's return...

**GUARD TWO**

Let it be!

**GUARD ONE**

What could compel him to, once having caught his freedom, forsake it with such haste?

**GUARD TWO**

Hardly matters now! Look Margaret approaches!

_Enter Margaret. Her hands are holding something behind her back that neither men can see._

**MARGARET**

Good day to the two strong men whom will be escorting me on my journey to chastity.

_GUARD ONE AND TWO stand side by side._

**GUARD TWO**

We look forward to helping thee get thy promiscuity's last trace free from thy body.

**GUARD ONE**

Tis... (GUARD TWO kicks him)

**MARGARET**

I have brought gifts for thee both.

**GUARD TWO**

Gifts?

**MARGARET**

Yes; but I request that thou closeth thine eyes in my presentation of them. Wouldst thou wish to spoil the surprise?

**GUARD TWO**

No! (he closes his eyes and puckers his lips)

**GUARD ONE**

I still smell deceipt of some sort. (closes eyes but does not pucker his lips.)

**MARGARET**

Holdeth out thine hands.

**GUARD ONE**

The smell of something rotten grows ever more pungent

**GUARD TWO**

Perhaps she will be putting her breasts in each one?

_MARGARET looks at audience and winks before bringing her hands out from behind her and placing a book in each palm._

**GUARD ONE**

(opening eyes) Here! What is this?

**MARGARET**

Tis a Bible. I am suprised thou hath not seen one before.

**GUARD TWO**

(opens eyes) Tis not a breast!

_GUARD ONE hits GUARD TWO with his gift._

**MARGARET**

The Lord will see our long journey spent with prayers and devotions. We will disavow our bodies and join our spirits together in holy discourse. As brothers and sister.

**GUARD TWO**

We did not escape our punishment after all!

**GUARD ONE**

Tis most illusory and disappointing!

**MARGARET**

Come on men. The journey is long but the day is short. Follow me.

_MARGARET exits. GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO watch her leave._

**GUARD TWO**

Shalt we flee as Don John did?

**GUARD ONE**

No. Perhaps all lessons must be learnt eventually and all retributions delivered as well. We will go with the lady Margaret and leave Messina and Don John to his own undecided and, as of yet, undelivered punishment.

_Exit GUARD ONE and GUARD TWO._

SCENE TWO

**Prison Tower. Messina.**

_DON JOHN is once more inside of the prison he escaped while DON PEDRO stands on the outside._

**DON PEDRO**

I cannot seem to pry from thee brother the reason for thou having abandonest your freedom.

_DON JOHN sulks, his back facing his half brother._

**DON PEDRO (cont.)**

I supposed it is not needed. All that is, it seems is for Benedick to finally choose thine punishment. The two guards whom forsook their post have received pardon.

_DON JOHN stands and faces DON PEDRO, moved by ire._

**DON JOHN**

Those guards! They both deserve the gallows for what they have done to me!

**DON PEDRO**

Finally, he speaks and makes confession! And what, pray tell, have they done to thou brother except aid you unwillingly in thine escape?

**DON JOHN**

They have made me reacquaint myself with Erin, thy servant's daughter.

**DON PEDRO**

I bid thee to watch thy tongue lest we become forced to apprehend the girl for aiding thy flight. She wilt share thine own prison, I fear, if thine tongue becomes recklessly loose.

**DON JOHN**

I merely happened upon the misfortune of being linked to her by mistake in a moment of wrath from my rebuked follower Conrade.

**DON PEDRO**

That makes account for the missing shackles.

**DON JOHN**

Thus I curse the guards for keeping me in her company. She is the reason I hath returned. I could not trust myself in her presence and feared doing something I might regret.

**DON PEDRO**

Was it so horrible?

**DON JOHN**

It was misery for the fact that I found it _not_ to be so. Torturous for the amount of _joy_ I felt in her presence. I longed to hate the situation but found in myself the equal desire to keep suffering its pleasentness.

**DON PEDRO**

Thou are unused to joy my melancholy brother.

**DON JOHN**

I could not stand it. To steal glances of her when she was not aware; to take for myself a touch here or there and blame it on the closeness forced between us.

**DON PEDRO**

And did she feel good beneath your fingertips?

**DON JOHN**

Yes. One touch brought about another and yet another after that. Her flesh worked inside of me both addiction and expectation of its next encounter with my own. But my brain continually told me to be rid of her. And the farmer where we had hidden ourselves away, gave me the advice that to be rid of a woman one must only give her what she craves.

**DON PEDRO**

Ha! I doth suspect he has only ever become acquainted with the workings of one woman's heart.

**DON JOHN**

Multiple times acquainted. So with his bad advice I sought to give Erin what she desired, half suspecting she would hence reject it. But if thine miserable and cursed guards had not had the impunity and boldness to leave their post, I shalt never have become reacquainted with her fleshly, round and pleasant form and then come to know it even better. And then even better after that! And more so even following that! Infact, it seemed my body never seemed to grow weary of knowing the cursable woman's own until we both passed out from having exhausted ourselves in the act of discovery.

**DON PEDRO**

Why brother! Long have I desired to partake in such earthy discussions with thee but found thou lips sealed tightly! Now they are opened, tell me a little more.

**DON JOHN**

About what bit of nastiness? Dost thou wish to hear about how my own ears listened for each sound I could draw from her lips by a touch or caress? Do thine hands wish to clasp upon the revelation that my hands greedily grasped her soft curves and squeezed, pushed or drew them closer?

**DON PEDRO**

Little brother! Thou lothario! Whom knew such a beast lay silent under still waters. A serpent lay hidden under them all this time without our knowing.

**DON JOHN**

More than thou suspectest. And once it raised its head it did not seem to want to go down once more.

**DON PEDRO**

And was Erin's touch so pleasing?

**DON JOHN**

Yes! Though she had not known a man before me she seemed possessed of a natural knowledge of how to keep the serpent up and appeased. Oh the way it felt to be touched by her and embraced by all parts of her large body! And to be lost inside so she seemed to become a part of myself and my wretched self a part of her! The Heaven of it all was purest hell. I did not enjoy the thought that I might seek to make it permanent so I fled.

_Enter BENEDICK._

**BENEDICK**

It seems that Fernando has found his betrothed now as well. She has returned to Messina with her fine ass in tow.

_DON JOHN turns away again and DON PEDRO grabs the bars._

**DON PEDRO**

If Erin marries Fernando and discovers that she hath known you previously you will bring upon her the actual sin that thou thrust on Hero and Claudio! Cruel irony! What hath you to say for yourself?

**DON JOHN**

If she wishes to follow through with her marriage to such an oaf then she deserves whatever fate falls in her lap, having become so familiar with my own.

_BENEDICK takes hold of DON PEDRO and leads him away from the cell._

**BENEDICK**

Hath he _known_ the girl?

**DON PEDRO**

Yes. If his word can be trusted. And I believe it can be this time. I see no other accounting for his return and his frightened state.

**BENEDICK**

Well there is his punishment then! I shall force him to marry Erin so she need not unite with Fernando. She will have the man she hath long desired!

**DON PEDRO**

Tis no good!

**BENEDICK**

And why not?

**DON PEDRO**

My brother hath confessed his body appreciates the girl but his heart remains silent on the feelings it holds. Have you not heard of a certain merchant in Venice?

**BENEDICK**

No. But thou wilt fix that soon I believe.

**DON PEDRO**

His name was Shylock. They bestowed upon him the punishment of becoming Christian while he was a devout believer in the Jewish faith, if not one to practice its teachings. Well, of course, he could give the outward showing of being a follower of Christ but one cannot change a man's heart by making an order. He would not have Jesus and Jesus probably would not have him when his change of faith had been forced. Nor would the Christ give his gratitude to those whom gave the decree; for he, Himself, taught that what lies in the heart is what matters not what _lies_ far too often on the tongue. If we doth force Don John to wed Erin it might as well be her own punishment if he does not and cannot come to love her as she deserveth.

**BENEDICK**

Drat it! And here I was picturing Don John's perfect punishment in having to be the father to a brood of unruly and loud offspring, such a one to counter his sour and quiet countenance.

**DON PEDRO**

Love might turn out to be a most worthy punishment for him on its own. But we must let him come to accept such a punishment by himself or it is worthless.

SCENE THREE

**Road. Messina**

_FERNANDO enters first then ERIN, whom is pulling on the DONKEY's reins._

**FERNANDO**

Glad to see you have come to your senses woman. We shall be married by the end of the day. My fine master of the past, Leonato, has agreed to lend me his house for the ceremony and Friar Francis also.

**ERIN**

Do not count your brides before the vows be taken!

**FERNANDO**

What! Such insolence! You are weary from your trip. Did thy follow the food being removed from the wedding feast or some other thing to make thy belly larger?

**ERIN**

No. A far better past time did I discover.

**FERNANDO**

Oh? What was it? Oh never mind! I hardly care.

**ERIN**

No. I did not think it would interest you.

**FERNANDO**

Thou missed out on a fair bit of excitement.

**ERIN**

I have?

**FERNANDO**

The prince's bastard brother had fled.

**ERIN**

(sadly) Yes. I can believe it. Tis an action he is _most_ able at.

**FERNANDO**

Only for him to fly back into his prison.

**ERIN**

(happy) Hath he?

**FERNANDO**

Yes. The fool. Right back to a punishment undecided.

**ERIN**

Did he give a reason?

**FERNANDO**

Has anyone been able to discern the reasonings of Don John?

**ERIN**

(hands FERNANDO the DONKEY'S reins) No! Never! Let me try my hand at it! I think he was quite fond of the workings of my hand!

_ERIN exits_

**FERNANDO**

(to DONKEY) The workings of her hand? What doth she mean? It is as difficult for me to understand her reasonings! She canst bear to be with me before the ceremony? Tis that it? Well, the jest will be played on her. I married her not for her body and the joining to it with my own in the physical sense. My interest is not what she brings to the marriage bed but the table. Speaking of the matter, let us go and see what my old lord has prepared for his next meal and if he will deign to share it with me.

_Exit FERNANDO and DONKEY._

SCENE FOUR

_DON JOHN sits lonely in his cell, his back once more towards the door._

**DON JOHN**

It takes no great amount to convince me that the foolish girl will marry Fernando after sporting with me. Two factors convince me of such: women being what they are...

_ERIN enters without his knowing_

**DON JOHN (cont.)**

A woman cannot be trusted. They exist to either hate or love, offer hell or then Heaven. And I cannot tell which is better. I possessed one woman whom loved me but what good was to be found in that? She brought me into this world only to betray me by leaving me on my own where I found my way into the arms of another woman whom treated me most cruelly. Don Pedro's mother, my father's wife, killed the affection I might have offered Erin most freely if my heart had not been torn and the scars had not made it hard in the healing.

_ERIN draws nearer, her hand over her heart_

**DON JOHN (cont.)**

And then there is the girl herself. Foolish to have loved a bastard in the first place, though, I treated her most coldly throughout our time spent together. What could I have ever brought to her other than my own shame?

**ERIN**

Thou couldst offer me thyself, Don John. Tis all I ever wanted.

_DON JOHN stands and turns walking towards the bars as ERIN meets him at them at the same time. DON JOHN grasps the bars above their heads and stares down at her._

**DON JOHN**

Why should it be that though the shackles have been separated between us I still feel as if I am bound to you? Do thou comest to me as the wife of Fernando?

_ERIN steps forward, as if longing to get through the bars and to DON JOHN himself. Her body touches the bars as her hands grasp the bars by her stomach._

**ERIN**

I come to thee as _thine's_ , Don John.

_They stare at each other longingly_

**ERIN (cont.)**

Since I was but a child, I belonged to thee alone. God hath wove into my soul the passion for you; He formed me in mine mother's womb for thee.

**DON JOHN**

Mothers! (angrily lets go of the bars and turns around) And how canst I be sure that thou will not betrayest me like either mother I was acquainted with?

**ERIN**

Thou saw last night that a mother I did not solely seek to be to thee.

_DON JOHN spins around again, this time in lust. Staring at ERIN, he reaches through the bars. He holds her close to him, pressing her against the bars. Their lips meet in a fiery kiss until DON JOHN shakes his head and then loosens his hold, walking away to the other side of his cell._

**DON JOHN**

Tis customary to kiss the bride, is it not? Go. Have thee a good life, Erin, companion of my youth. May you have a better one than a bastard villian could ever offer you.

**ERIN**

Don Jo...

**DON JOHN (interrupting)**

(roaring as he glares at her from over his shoulder) GO!!!!

_Enter DON PEDRO_

_ERIN backs into the Prince and then flees_

**DON PEDRO**

Thou hast thy way with women as always brother.

**DON JOHN**

I cannot understand her insipid fawning and foolishness.

**DON PEDRO**

I cannot understand either her or you. Why she desires such an ill tempered clown and why, when a woman to fill the void my mother created in thou hast appeared, thou cannot accept her? Why? Why Don John play the role of court jester in my kingdom? Tis a role far better suited for Benedick.

**DON JOHN**

I love Erin. I can no longer deny it. When I entered her last night, I felt more whole than was allowed in any other moment in my life. Yet, I have never loved a woman whom has loved me enough not to abandon my life and throw my heart back at me in more horribly broken a state.

**DON PEDRO**

Well thou hast now! Erin adores thee. I watched her constantly following you. It did not matter that you often ignored her. She lovest thou as thou lovest her.

**DON JOHN**

She deserves someone like Claudio; a man of integrity and some worth; not one whispered about behind his back. She hath not earned a bastard such as myself, one whom hath long delighted in other's miseries to help sooth his own.

**DON PEDRO**

And wilst thou delight in Erin's sorrow?

**DON JOHN**

NEVER!

**DON PEDRO**

Well then, thou shouldest be made aware, thine latest cruel trick, Don John, placeth her in the role of target. Thou art setting her up for a future without you which will only wound her; or to be with Fernando which wilt surely destroy her in time. She wouldst not be able to suffer his cruelty nor her own sin for having betrayed her true love and herself by joining herself to him.

**DON JOHN**

(grabs bars to cell) No!

**DON PEDRO**

Yes! Her soul couldst never become like yours. And she will not break her vows easily if thou changest thou mind and decideth to know her body once again later. To tempt her to commit adultery would be the second greatest sin thou wouldst do to her: abandoning her being the first.

_Enter Benedick_

**DON PEDRO (cont.)**

Then there is her assured humiliation if Fernando discovers the impurity of his new bride on the wedding night and publicly renounces her for the sin you helped lead her to commit.

_DON JOHN looks to the ground_

**BENEDICK**

(looks at the prisoner) Here I hath been suffering for hours deciding on a punishment. But now the man looketh like he hath punished himself properly! Tell me what hath taught to you the lesson that I could never rest properly on?

**DON JOHN**

The thought of the woman I love suffering by marrying another. Please master Benedick! Though I have not earned it, I beseech thee, please set me free to stop Erin's union to Fernando.

**DON PEDRO**

As they say in Venice, Benedick, the quality of mercy is not strain'd.

**BENEDICK**

(grabs keys from off wall) Nor shalt it find itself to be so in me.

_BENEDICK opens cell doors_

**BENEDICK (cont.)**

But we shalt accompany thee, Don John. Hero and Claudio will be present. And since they are the ones thou hast wronged, it is best to ask them if thou has already suffered and learnt they lesson.

**DON JOHN**

Onward to Leonato's!

_Exuent DON JOHN, DON PEDRO and FERNANDO_

SCENE FIVE

**Leonato's House. Messina**

_FRIAR FRANCIS is talking with LEONATO and FERNANDO. HERO, CLAUDIO and BEATRICE sit in chairs talking._

**FRIAR FRANCIS**

And wilt thou bride be here soon?

**FERNANDO**

She is large in size, perhaps that aids in her tardiness.

**LEONATO**

She is to be your bride, Fernando! Thou tongue shouldest sing her graces not speak only of her faults.

_BEATRICE rises, having overhead the conversation_

**FERNANDO**

Yes, but the honor of becoming her husband doth not extend to kind words; it lingers only on shelter and feeding, which I will govern and limit so she does not eat me out of house and home.

_BEATRICE hits FERNANDO on his back_

**FERNANDO**

Thy neice attacketh me!

**LEONATO**

Beatrice was surely only swatting a fly which landeth on thy back. Am I right in my assumption, neice?

**BEATRICE**

Not quite, uncle. There was a man attatched to the fly's stomach.

_Enter ERIN_

**FERNANDO**

Tis my wife come at last! See her girth! Doth that not explain it all?

_BEATRICE hits FERNANDO again_

**BEATRICE**

Another fly I wished to save but failed! Oh that men were easier to squash than a bug!

**FRIAR FRANCIS**

Good evening dear. It will be an honor to perform thy ceremony.

**ERIN**

Thank you, father, but I am afraid there will be no honor this evening for thee.

**FERNANDO**

Wot?

**LEONATO**

Would tomorrow suit thee better, daughter?

**ERIN**

(shakes head) Nor the day after that, nor the day following that.

_Enter DON JOHN, DON PEDRO and BEATRICE. ERIN does not note their entrance._

**ERIN (cont.)**

I cannot marry thee, Fernando.

**FERNANDO**

But twas agreed upon!

**ERIN**

I merely wished to tempt fate and make another jealous. Twas cruel of me, Fernando but cruelty, I believe, is something thee understand far too well.

**FERNANDO**

Keep thy tongue still in the presence of my former master, wench!

**ERIN**

Tis but the truth! Find thyself another whom does not have so sensitive a heart so she will not mind your unkind words. Mine is broken besides. The man I love cannot allow himself to love me in return. On my way back to Messina, I happened across a woman and two men heading for the convent. While the men looked pitiful in their misery, the woman looked quite joyful. Perhaps I could find a similar joy in turning to God's welcoming and comforting arms.

**DON JOHN**

(stepping forward) Perhaps. But whom would vex me then, women?

_ERIN spins around_

**DON JOHN (cont.)**

Or play mother to our children?

**ERIN**

Don John!

_ERIN runs to DON JOHN and falls into his embrace. He gently strokes her hair_

**FERNANDO**

I hath been left for a bastard!

**ERIN**

No. I have left a bastard for a Prince! He shalt be my husband and my children will never hear him called anything _but_ in my presence!

**FRIAR FRANCIS**

So I might be of use today as of yet?

**BENEDICK**

Not so fast, I fear. Hero, Claudio, Leonato...Don John hurt you most of all.

**BEATRICE**

(coughs)

**BENEDICK**

And you as well, my fair harpy, by extension of thine love for thy cousin. I have seen the villian's repentence. I see a lesson learnt and fittingly in the same vein as the sin which was committed against Hero.

**BEATRICE**

How so?

**BENEDICK**

You need only know that it was by the possibility of being separated from the woman he loves.

**BEATRICE**

I leave it in Hero's hands.

**CLAUDIO**

The same here. Her decision is mine as well.

**LEONATO**

Since Hero bore the burden of this man's act, his fate rests in her hands and not mine.

_ERIN holds on to DON JOHN tightly_

**HERO**

Doth thou love this woman?

**DON JOHN**

Yes. For years, but without my acceptance of it for I feared that it would break my heart and maketh me weak when I desired strength to mask age old and deep wounds.

**HERO**

It still might breed in thee vulnerability, Don John, for so is one of love's purpose. Nevermore wilt thy be free. Thou prison will be the love and responsibility thou feelest for this woman. Her sorrows will be thine own, the tears she cries, the blood I pray she never sheds will feel as if it is coming from thine own eyes and from thine own veins. If thou art blessed with children it will be multiplied in them also. Thy punishment shalt be thy love then and forever more for someone whom thought only of his own amusement. Now you are no longer one but two.

**DON JOHN**

(looking at Erin) Tis then the most worthy punishment I could hope for.

**HERO**

I bestow upon Erin the role of meeting out your punishment for the rest of your life, Don John.

**ERIN**

(looks up into DON JOHN's eyes) I can handle that role and consider myself blessed for the rest of my life as well.

**HERO**

Then I consider all sins in the past, both forgiven and forgotten. This months sees not two marriages but three.

**DON JOHN**

Will thou have me, Erin? Please tell me that you will consent?

**ERIN**

I am thy punishment now and forever, Don John

ERIN reaches up and touches DON JOHN's face as he lowers his head and kisses her.

**BENEDICK**

Tell the pipers to play once more! There is yet some celebration left in the sun and some blessed comfort in the moon!

**~ The End ~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Curtain closes...
> 
> Another story done...
> 
> Yay! :D <3
> 
> As I was finishing this up my house shook for a couple of seconds. Everybody in my small town felt it and in the surrounding area. Could be an earthquake or meteor landed, people are saying, or military maneuvers. I really am praying for the meteor because that would be just plain cool.
> 
> I knew I was going to write this as a play in Shakespeare's style from its formation. It was fun doing it.
> 
> Keanu, your favorite character is Mercutio, I believe. Funny, mine was Tybalt when I read it. I have the misfortune of liking the character that accidentally kills yours. :/ Does it make it any better that he was aiming for Romeo? No? I didn't think so. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you would like this if you read it and appreciate that I tried to pull off mimicking Shakespeare. Even if I mangled it good and proper sometimes. ;) <3
> 
> Much love,  
> Erin  
> :D <3


End file.
